


Walk this path together

by thebureauisclosed (insibbegerest)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Cad and Fjord are both aroace in this, Gen, M/M, Platonic Soulmates, Queerplatonic Relationships, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insibbegerest/pseuds/thebureauisclosed
Summary: Caduceus is his soulmate, but Fjord isn't in love with him. He wonders where things went wrong.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Fjord, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 34
Kudos: 164





	Walk this path together

**Author's Note:**

> Warning - Mentions of a sex-repulsed character forcing themself into a sexual situation (Fjord doesn't have exactly fond memories of Avantika).

The moment they first meet, there is a strange tingling sensation in Fjord's arm. When he glances at it, he can see colours appearing on his previously black tree-shaped mark, as though an invisible paintbrush was applying watercolour onto it. The leaves are of a slightly lighter shade of green than Fjord's skin, the blossom white and pink. It glows faintly for a few seconds, bright and beautiful.

With a quick look around, he makes sure none of the Nein have noticed anything and breathes a small sigh of relief. He finally lets his gaze properly settle on the firbolg. Tall, pink, smiling. Weird clothes, nice hair.

Fjord expected… something more. He did not think he would fall in love with his soulmate at first sight, but he imagined there would be some sort of an immediate bond at least, something magical pulling him towards this person.

As he is watching Mr Clay though, all he sees is a stranger.

-

Neither of them mentions it, not then, not later. They both know and they know the other knows, but it remains unsaid. Fjord likes Caduceus, he thinks, but the man confuses him on so many levels. He struggles with the fact that Caduceus is supposed to be his destiny, the one whose side he should stay by forever. They are different like day and night, summer and winter, grove and ocean.

He appreciates Caduceus, truly, but he wonders if perhaps fate has not been mistaken.

-

Caduceus saved Fjord, or rather, helped Fjord save himself. Either way, Fjord has no idea how he would have dealt with Uk'otoa's watchful eye had it not been for Caduceus and the Wildmother.

They share meaningful conversations, meditate together, ruminate on destiny. It is ironic, but Fjord feels as if the only thing they have not discussed yet is the most obvious one; the tree on the skin of Fjord's arm and the sea waves on Caduceus's shoulder blade.

There is a kinship, but it does not seem enough. Fjord tries to imagine them together, kissing, sharing a bed, making whatever grand romantic gestures couples do. Somehow, it does not feel right.

His thoughts wander to his nearly non-existent love history. He has never been in love, never really wanted anyone in that way. He assumed he was one of those people who would only ever feel that way about their soulmate, but apparently he was mistaken.

He remembers all the kisses he has given or been given. He thinks about his younger self who flirted with people even though it made him uncomfortable; it was what everybody did, right? He was supposed to be attracted to other people, so he did his best to play the part.

Then there was Avantika. Fjord knew she was beautiful and knew that the idea of having sex with her should feel exciting to him, but it did not. He could not shake off the tension, could not let himself enjoy it. He was overthinking everything – every touch, every brush of lips – hoping he was doing this right. His mind and his body were two separate entities. The body was mechanically responding to Avantika's touch, the mind convincing him that _yes, you are enjoying this, you have to be enjoying this, this is supposed to make you feel good._

_But it does not feel good and I want it to be over,_ a small voice in the back of Fjord's head responded before being drowned by shame and anger and w _hat are you talking about, sex is great, shut up and relax._

_Sleep well with your bad decisions,_ Caduceus said later and whenever the sentence re-emerges in Fjord's memory, he gets mad at himself. He slept with a woman he didn't want while his soulmate, whom he didn't want either, was waiting in their room nearby.

He would laugh at it if it wasn't making him feel so miserable. He used to wonder if Caduceus was the one for him, now he can't stop telling himself that _he_ is absolutely wrong for Caduceus. His friend deserves so much more that Fjord can give, and yet apparently the poor firbolg is stuck with a fuck-up like him.

Sometimes he looks at Caduceus, tries to convince himself he feels things he doesn't actually feel and then hates himself quietly.

No, he certainly did not expect getting to know his soulmate would go like this.

-

When Caduceus gives him the seal of the Wildmother, it is a sacred moment. Fjord is overcome by too many emotions at once. He is happy, touched and so so thankful to have Caduceus in his life. For a while, everything seems amazing.

The feeling does not last long.

Caduceus made the seal for him, supported him and comforted him when Fjord needed it most. He would often assure Fjord how glad he was they had met, how Fjord had great things ahead of him.

Caduceus is his soulmate and that is a fact, no matter how Fjord feels about it. He certainly hasn't been acting how a soulmate should, he has been ignoring their bond, refusing to give Caduceus what he surely wanted from him. He wonders if Caduceus is as disgusted with Fjord as he is with himself.

The guilt is too much. He makes a decision.

-

He kisses Caduceus. Caduceus kisses him back.

That’s it, that’s all there is to it. No sparks, no passion, no sudden realisation of romantic love. Fjord pulls away and dares himself to look at Caduceus. He has never been very good at reading people, but all he sees in Caduceus's eyes is mild surprise. No satisfaction, no relief, no lust.

Maybe he misjudged the situation? A knot starts forming in Fjord's stomach. Caduceus kissed him back, but seemed quite apathetic about it. He did neither turn Fjord down nor accept what he was offering.

Caduceus stares at him, waiting for something, probably an explanation. Fjord does not have one.

He turns away and all but runs out of the room.

-

They don’t talk about it until they do.

"I am not in love with you," Fjord blurts out. Damn it, this was not how he meant to start to conversation, but apparently when it came to Caduceus, his rhetorical skills did not work as they should.

Honesty is the least he owes Caduceus, as well as an apology. Caduceus hasn't been acting strange about the kiss, hasn't even brought it up, but Fjord can't get it out of his mind. He misses feeling as calm and comfortable around Caduceus as he used to. Now, his heart is beating anxiously and he prays this conversation won't cost him Caduceus's precious friendship. Fjord is possibly the shittiest soulmate in the world, yes, but the thought of losing Caduceus still terrifies him.

Whatever reaction he has anticipated, it is not this one. "I figured," Caduceus replies with a serene smile. "I am not in love with you either."

Fjord doesn’t know how to feel about that. He is glad he hasn't been leading Caduceus on or even breaking his heart, but he has to wonder what this means for them. Two soulmates, neither in love with the other? What kind of a game was fate playing here?

"Maybe the feeling will come later," Fjord says lamely, not really believing his words.

Caduceus shrugs. "Maybe yes, maybe not. I think not."

"But we… we are soulmates." There, he said it. No more tiptoeing around the issue.

"Yes, we are." His voice is warm and kind and Fjord doesn't understand. How does he not appear to be perturbed by this at all?

"Shouldn't soulmates, you know…" Fjord clears his throat. "Date, kiss, that kind of stuff?

"Is that what you want?" Caduceus tilts his head and watches him carefully.

"I don't know… Not really."

"Then let's not do that," says Caduceus simply. "I don't need any of this from you. I mean, if you end up changing your mind, I am not necessarily opposed to trying something new, but…"

Fjord shakes his head, sad and tired and frustrated. "See, this is the whole problem. This thing," he points at his soul mark almost angrily, "says our relationship should be entirely different than it is. I shouldn't feel weird about kissing you. You shouldn't feel _not necessarily opposed_ to being intimate with me."

"Oh… Is that what the marks says? I've never really talked to it."

Fjord sighs. "Not literally… You know what I mean, Cad."

Caduceus looked thoughtful. "You say we shouldn't feel the way we do."

"Yes."

"But how can you know that?"

"Soulmates should be the love of each other's lives or something, shouldn't they? That is the whole point."

"We are connected. Meant to walk this path together," says Caduceus and lightly traces Fjord's mark with his fingers. His hands are warm. "How the path continues and ends, I have no idea, but I have faith. There is a reason we have these marks, Fjord, and that reason will show itself to you eventually."

Fjord isn't so sure about that.

-

It is not one of those terrifyingly realistic U'kotoa nightmares, but a nightmare it is still. No giant eyes or water, only a general sense of unease, uncertainty, anxiety.

Fjord keeps rolling over in his bed, unable to fall asleep again. He sits up. Sighs. Jumps off the bed and lets his legs carry him over to the firbolg's room, not thinking about what it means or what Caduceus will think. All he knows is that he needs company, needs to hear the sound of Caduceus's gentle voice, needs to know he is not alone.

He doesn’t want anything else from him, although he probably should.

In that moment, he does not particularly care.

-

Sometimes one of them comes to the other's room and they sleep in the same bed, no words said. Nothing happens between them, unless you count the mornings Fjord wakes up snuggled close to Caduceus, unaware of how they got in that position.

Sometimes Caduceus's hand finds his way on top of Fjord's, or Fjord's on his. Hugging isn’t necessarily Fjord's thing, but once in a while they do that too, and it feels kind of nice. Caduceus gives great hugs, Fjord can't deny that.

Caduceus once kisses his forehead before they go to sleep, but it does not feel like a romantic gesture at all.

Other than that, they don’t kiss again.

-

"You really don’t mind… us? The way we are?" Fjord doesn’t say what he means, but he knows Caduceus understands.

"I told you I don’t need anything like that from you."

"Yes, you don’t need it, but don’t you… want it?"

Caduceus shakes his head. "No, not really. I've always liked people, found them fascinating… but their souls interest me much more than their bodies. I never felt the need, or the want, to be physical with anyone. I've been told it is strange, but show me a person who isn’t strange in some way. Weirdness is so common that I consider it the norm. It is actually weirder to not be weird than to _be_ weird."

"Huh," says Fjord. And then he bursts out laughing. Their situation is so hilariously absurd that he can't hold it back anymore. He is weird and so is Caduceus, and apparently fate thought it wise to let them be weird together.

Fjord cannot say he fully understands this beautiful unique friendship they share, but he would not trade it for anything else.

-

Caduceus is telling him the story of a woman who visited him at the Grove once. She had recently lost her soulmate and was grieving.

"I asked if they had any children, she started explaining that their relationship wasn't like that. They loved each other deeply, but there was nothing romantic or sexual about it. I thought it was nice."

Fjord looks up from his breakfast. "Really? All the soulmates I've encountered couldn't keep their hands off each other."

"All of them?" Caduceus asks, amused.

"Well, nearly. We are… an odd couple," Fjord wants to say those words in a light tone, but judging by the way Caduceus's expression suddenly turns serious, it did not quite work.

"Odd, yes. Wrong, I don't think so. You've told me you don't want anything beyond friendship from me and I've told you the same thing. People expect soulmates to behave in a certain way, but every rule has its exceptions. It's better to accept that you are an exception than force yourself into a role that is wrong for you. There are things about yourself that you can't change no matter how hard you try and you can either hate yourself for them or make peace with them, but whatever you choose, they won't just go away." He pauses. "I love you, although not in the way soulmates tend to love each other. And I would not change that even if I could."

Fjord nearly chokes on his tea. Then he looks at Caduceus, really looks at him. Looks at his gentle eyes, his somewhat ruffled hair, soft smile. Recalls how nice it feels to fall asleep and wake up by his side, how he always makes Fjord feel accepted and safe. Caduceus is certainly one of a kind and the more Fjord thinks about it, the more perfect _for him_ he is. His heart swells with affection and he wonders how the hell could he ever have thought their relationships needs to be fixed.

Fjord hugs him tight. The lump in his throat does not let him say anything, but he hopes Caduceus understands even without words.

-

Weeks pass by. Months. Fjord still isn't in love with Caduceus, knows that he never will be. He doesn't feel sorry, because there is nothing to feel sorry about. He and Caduceus complement each other, care about each other, make each other happy. They can give each other exactly what the other needs.

It is weird and wonderful and absolutely _right_.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I really need to work on my thesis today  
> Me, several hours later: Have I just written a new fanfic? Shit.


End file.
